Lush

I'm a lush...well, that's what someone near and dear to me told me I was today. At first I was just thinking that she was inferring that I drink too much (which I thought was strange because I don't)...but then it came out that her definition was "...someone who enjoys that little bit extra of the finer things in life..." Hmmm...I suppose that's true...nothing like a lovely Lindt Ball...or a pack...nothing like a scoop of delish chocolate gelato...or three...

What she said really made me realise that, being a lush, I was not only 'enjoying the finer things in life but instead, I was gorging on the finer things in life. That's why I've got my second arse. Why have a regular latte when you can have a large...of course I'm gonna upsize that KFC meal deal...why buy a small bag of crisps when you can have the large one instead...

The fact is, I can't stop at one. I keep eating after I no longer feel hungry, just because I love the taste and feel and emotion associated with the food. Yes, I am an emotional eater...give me an emotion and I'll want to eat. Why do I do this...where did it come from??? I'm not sure...but at least I am aware of it now and instead of eating away any feelings I don't want to address, I'll now stop myself and feel the emotion, try to understand it and teach myself a better way of handling it.

I know it's not going to be fixed overnight and this'll be a long 'one step at a time' process...but heck, at least I'm staring to see the big picture.

So, here's to the slow unfurling of the voluptuous goddess within and goodbye to the fat.

Annie
TVGW

The Truth

I'm FAT. There, got it out of the way. I've said it, acknowleged it, there's no mistake about whether I know this or not...I've put it out there and now the world knows. Now that I've acknowledged I'm fat, I am going to do something about it. I am going to lose 40 to 45kgs (88 to 100 lbs), and my goal for 2007 is to lose at least 30kg (66 lbs).

I know I'm never going to be skinny...I was never made that way...my plan is to end up with a 'Nigella-esque' body (you know, sexy curves, boobs, hips, etc) at the end of this journey. I know the 'physical ideal' is not the answer to life's happiness, but damn it, it'll make life a hell of a lot easier. For one, boys might notice me...strangers won't tell me to lose weight...eating in public won't be humiliating...and school kids won't snigger...and when people talk to my boobs I know it'll be because they look damn hot, not just massive.

Now, I should make it clear right now I'm not some bitter and twisted 'the-world-hates-me' overweight woman but, from time to time, I do have to admit a certain level of frustration...like the all-knowing patronising comments from thin family and friends (god forbid if I dared point out any fault of theirs) or the look from people if they think I'm going to sit next to them on a train, bus or plane (I'm sure I'd get more respect if I walked down the aisle farting!!!).

But, I'm not doing this just for the reasons I've mentioned above. Mostly, I want to be fit and healthy. I want to be able to run around with my niece and nephews instead of running out of breath. I want to fall in love. I want to be able to have the choice of having a baby. I want to live till I'm 100. I want to be adventerous and travel to 'off the beaten track' places...go kayaking and hiking and sailing. I want to be spontaneous. I want to be known for something other than being the happy fat chick.

This blog isn't going to be all about how fat I am, or how much weight I'm losing. Of course, that'll be a part...but I also want this to be about discovering the world I live in. So, this is my journey of self-discovery, acceptance and understanding who I truly am. I've been on this planet for nearly 36 years but for most of that time I've been a semi-comatose passenger with a few very short frantic bursts at the driver's seat. Two thousand and seven is the year I've decided to sit up and take notice. I need to touch, smell, taste, see, hear and experience the world. I need to create. I need to know what makes me who I am. I need to know what makes me tick.

This will be a busy year for me. I work full-time, I am studying, I'm going to lose weight and get fit, and I am going to discover my world. I look forward to sharing this with you and perhaps we can have share some experiences together.

Here's to the emergence of the voluptous goddess within!
Annie xxx